Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
