Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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