I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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