There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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