I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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