Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
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