Buhtt sex?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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