; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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