Your dad touched me again.
I could make wine with my vomit
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
