addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm at about main and main street
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
