3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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