I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
