I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
