guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
