Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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