I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
