It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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