you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
