She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
