This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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