you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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