he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
