My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
