I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
