Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
