I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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