Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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