two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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