fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
