Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
