so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
