I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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