Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
sex in a hospital.. check
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
