pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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