I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
