Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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