I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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