i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
