This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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