I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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