When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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