what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
