I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
