Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
