I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
