I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
