My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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