just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
