I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
