i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
