i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
